Yesterday morning, I felt a sense of a depression. With living with mental health, I sometimes can wake up with a dark cloud over my head. It can be a trigger that seeps into my brain subtly or a big slap in the face. Either way, it’s not a good feeling. When feeling depress, I feel like it’s a wave that I have to ride and there’s really nothing I can do but deal with the feelings and wait to get back on shore. During this, I still have to run my business and be a human. Lately, I have been able to bounce back a lot of quicker and this time, the hazy feeling only lasted for a day. Although yesterday I was in survival mode, I woke up having so much gratitude towards the universe to allow me say thank you to the month of January.
I understand that we have more days in the month of January but it felt like it went by both fast and slow for me. With so many transitions, traveling, and being in constant survival mode, I’m happy to say that I’ve learn so many precious lessons and surprised myself.
In the month of November, Andy and I decided that we wanted to become home owners together. Andy and Mandy…sitting in a tree… k…i…s…s…i…n…g! Sorry, I had to get that out of my system.
This was a big step for us not only as a couple but for me because this is a place where I can finally call home.
I opened up to you on my IG stories how things trigger me and even though it can be great news, the trigger can almost make me feel like I’m traveling back in time and then time stands still.
Growing up, I didn’t have the easiest childhood. I’ve watched how greed took over a person’s morals which lead to hurting people like me and my mom. The best part of the story was that I was raise by a strong bad ass woman who has taught me strategies to survive this cruel and terrifying world. This lead to us moving A LOT. When I was eight, I moved three times before calling a place home for only a year. I missed months of school because we were trying to figure out where we were going to live. The saga continues and I went to three different high schools. I was shipped all around the United States at one point and missed half of my Sophomore year. Just brining this up in this blog post has create a deep and heavy feeling above my heart. Between 2017 to now, I have moved three times to three different cities (two of them were next to each other so it wasn’t that bad).
When we decided to that we wanted to create a permeant home for ourselves and have a place that we can truly say was ours, the trauma from the past resurfaced and was boiling throughout my veins for majority of the month of January.
Why would happy news result in so much pain?
I called up my friend Kate who helps other women with trauma and she told me when your body feels safe, you feel the past and almost feel like you’re stuck in time. The only way to move forward is to feel like feels so that you can move on.
Kate was completely correct! I felt like my body knew that I was heading into a direction of security and provided me closure so that I can enjoy a new chapter in my life.
Now that we are completely moved into our new home, a whole set of adventures are giving us big bear hugs. If I did not accept my trauma and let myself feel the hurt, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy making this home special for Andy and Sophie.
It has been extremely fun to decorate our new home. We found Harry the Sloth, creating a space where Andy and I can enjoy at the end of the day, and there’s more room for blogger mail (Andy’s rolling his eyes right now).
I can’t wait to share more of this journey with you because it’s going to be a good one. Like anything in life, there are going to be ups and downs. This time, it’s going to involve pretty things to hang on the walls and systems to not over fill our new space.
Thank you so much for being there for me. January was a little crazy but you all were there even though I wasn’t able to share everything. I really appreciate the support and for the messages I received during this hurtful but exciting time of my life. But I wouldn’t have it any other way! Love you S&P Fam Bam!